                Therapist Rant · Vol. 04
            

The “Nice Person” Trap: Why You Can’t Say No Without Panicking

You aren’t just “kind.” You are fawning.

The Short Answer

Extreme people pleasing is often a trauma response called “Fawning.” It occurs when a person learns that their safety depends on keeping others happy. Unlike kindness, which is a choice, Fawning is a compulsive nervous system reaction designed to avoid conflict at all costs.

You are the “Low Maintenance” one.

You are the friend everyone calls in a crisis because you are such a good listener. You are the partner who says “I’m fine with whatever” because you don’t want to be difficult. You are the employee who takes on three extra projects because you are terrified of disappointing your boss.

People tell you all the time how nice you are. How selfless you are.

But inside, you are exhausted, resentful, and completely invisible.

I am going to say something that might sting, but I say it with love. This behavior is not “kindness.” It is a trauma response. You are lighting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.

The True Cost of “Yes”

Every time you say “Yes” when you mean “No,” you think you are keeping the peace. But you are actually paying a massive internal tax. Here is the invoice you are paying every single day.

                Invoice of Self-Abandonment
                
                Date: Every Single Day
            
                Avoiding Conflict
                Cost: Your Authenticity
            
                Managing Their Emotions
                Cost: Your Mental Energy
            
                Being “Low Maintenance”
                Cost: Being Unknown
            
                TOTAL DUE:
                COMPLETE BURNOUT

Why It Feels Dangerous to Stop

If you were raised in an environment where love was conditional, or where a parent was emotionally volatile, your brain learned a very specific lesson.

“If I am not useful, I am not safe.”

This is why setting a boundary feels physically terrifying. Your logical brain knows it is just a “No.” But your survival brain thinks you are about to be abandoned or attacked. You aren’t weak. You are having a panic response.

Signs You Are “Fawning”

1. Over-Apologizing: You say “sorry” for taking up space, for having feelings, or for things that are completely out of your control.

2. Chameleon Mode: You unconsciously change your personality, opinions, or tone of voice to match whoever you are in the room with.

3. The Guilt Hangover: If you actually manage to say “No,” you spend the next three days agonizing over it and assuming they hate you.

Common Questions

Isn’t it good to be a nice person?

There is a difference between being “Nice” and being “Kind.” Niceness is often performative and based on fear. Kindness is rooted in honesty. Setting a boundary is actually the kindest thing you can do, because it allows the relationship to be real rather than based on resentment.

How do I start saying no?

Start small. Do not start with your mother or your boss. Start with the barista who got your order wrong. Start with a low-stakes text message. We need to retrain your nervous system that the world will not end when you assert a preference.

You are allowed to disappoint people.

Reclaim Your “No”

Maria