                Therapist Rant · Vol. 07
            

Why Peace Feels Like Boredom: The Science of Chaos Addiction

You aren’t missing “the spark.” You are missing the anxiety.

The Short Answer

If you grew up in a chaotic environment, your nervous system learns that “Love” equals “High Arousal” (anxiety). When you encounter a safe, stable partner, your body registers the lack of chaos as “boredom” or “lack of chemistry.” This is not a compatibility issue; it is a nervous system withdrawal symptom from the cortisol-dopamine cycle.

I want to talk about “The Ick.”

You go on a date with someone who is kind. They text you back on time. They ask questions about your day. They are emotionally available.

And your reaction is not happiness. It is repulsion. You find them boring. You say, “There is just no spark.”

But then, you meet someone who is inconsistent, vague, and emotionally distant, and suddenly—BOOM. You are obsessed. You check your phone every five minutes. You feel “alive.”

I have news for you. That feeling is not love. That feeling is anxiety. And you are addicted to it.

Love vs. Addiction

When you are used to chaos, stability feels like a flatline. Your brain misinterprets “Safe” as “Dead.”

1. The Toxic Cycle (What you think is “Chemistry”)

High highs (Dopamine) followed by low lows (Cortisol). This creates a “Trauma Bond.” It is exciting, but it is exhausting.

2. The Healthy Cycle (What you think is “Boredom”)

Consistent. Reliable. Safe. Your nervous system isn’t getting the chemical hits it is used to, so it signals “Boredom.”

The Withdrawal Period

If you start dating someone healthy, you are going to go through withdrawal.

You will feel an urge to pick a fight just to feel something. You will feel an urge to pull away. You will convince yourself that they just aren’t “The One.”

This is the hardest part of healing. You have to sit in the “boredom” long enough for your nervous system to recalibrate. You have to teach your body that Peace is safe, not dangerous.

Green Flags That Feel Like Red Flags

1. No “Chasing”: They text back normally. There is no game. It feels too easy. (This is good).

2. They Are Predictable: You know what they are going to do. It feels unexciting. (This is Trust).

3. They Accept You: They don’t criticize you or make you earn their love. It feels suspicious. (This is Safety).

Common Questions

Does this mean I should stay in a relationship I’m not attracted to?

No. Attraction is important. But you need to distinguish between “lack of attraction” and “lack of anxiety.” If you are physically attracted to them but emotionally “bored,” give it time.

How long does the withdrawal last?

It varies. But usually, it takes a few months of consistent safety for your brain to stop scanning for the other shoe to drop.

Peace is an acquired taste. Let’s help you acquire it.

Break the Toxic Cycle

Maria